Steps to Happiness – Part 4 - Who is Master?

Thank you for joying us on this journey toward happiness. This is article number four in a series of articles on Steps to Happiness. Sense it is important to follow these in order you will find it very helpful to first read the previous articles:

Are You a Puppet on Strings? - Taking Back Control of Your Life,
Steps to Happiness – Part 2
Steps to Happiness - Part 3 - Does this Stuff Really Work?

Let’s discuss some more ways to take back our puppet strings from our puppeteers.

We have already discussed the need to take responsibility and do away with blaming, the necessity for a real desire to change, and the commitment to do what it takes to change and achieve happiness. Then we discussed the difference between principles and advice.

The Secret to Happiness
So what other principles guide us to happiness? What do the happy people in this world have over the unhappy ones? Is it genetic? Were they just born with that disposition? Some probably were, but most have learned this secret – this time tested principle……. this secret that ANYONE can learn…..

Here it is…… Happiness is a choice.

So how do I choose Happiness?
“Well...if it is a choice,” you might ask, “then how do I choose it?” That’s what I would like to share with you because I was aimlessly floating around wondering the same thing for a long time. It’s like someone telling you to “get over” something without first listening to you and then showing you how to get over it.

Choosing happiness requires you to be MASTER over all your emotions and thoughts instead of you being SLAVE to them and being ruled and controlled by them. How we go about doing that is to first recognize and become aware of our thoughts and emotions. Bring them to consciousness. Your thoughts and emotions are usually all tucked away in your subconscious mind and control what you do and say without you even being aware of it. What we must do is bring them to consciousness.

Understanding the Thought and Emotion Sequence
In order to bring them to consciousness, we must understand the thoughts and emotions order or sequence. Thoughts come first (and are usually based on previous experiences) and then they feed our emotions and then we act or react. Most people believe that it is the other way around – that their feelings come first and that they have no control over them and their thoughts. So whenever their emotions arise they simply react without even thinking twice. That’s just the problem – they don’t think twice. They don’t even know that they did think and so they react according to their emotions. Understanding this is key!

An outstanding book that will help you to gain a deeper understanding of this and teach you more in depth how to gain control of your emotions is Emotions: Can You Trust Them? by Dr. James Dobson.

Once we have a knowledge of the thought/emotion order there is a trick that we can apply that all happy people have learned. We will discuss it next time….

But, for now, some good exercises are:

1. Take note of each time that you don’t like something (ANYTHING you don’t like). Every time you feel yourself getting angry, frustrated or upset, etc. over something, stop yourself. Write down the event and your thoughts and feelings about it, what you wanted to do (be honest) and what you did.

2. Then choose not to think about it until you have calmed down. Choose instead to get your mind involved in an enjoyable hobby or to think about good things. Make a list of good things or blessings and keep it with you just for cases like these (keep adding to it). The key is to stop the rumination or negative thinking. Remember what I call the law of compounding: one negative thought leads to another negative thought and then it explodes out of control. On the other hand, one positive thought leads to another positive thought, and then it explodes….

3. After you are in a good frame of mind (it could be days later), see if you can identify your negative thoughts and replace them with better positive thoughts. Don’t get frustrated if you are struggling at first. Be patient with yourself. Practice makes perfect. It will come if you don’t give up.

Remember this sequence: Perception (Was the event indeed how you actually saw it?)…Thoughts…Feelings….Actions...Consequences.

Share with us some examples of when you acted on your emotions and they got you into trouble.

Quiz: How mindful are you?

This post directs you to a blog called the Happiness Project. Gretchen Rubin does an excellent job with this blog. I have been a part of for a while now and really enjoy it.

I love this quiz.... Do you see the big picture? Are mindful? It will tell you...

This Wednesday -- Quiz: How mindful are you? I'm not very.

How do you score? I have to admit I answered yes many times.

Do You Want More out of Life?

Do you ever find yourself disappointed with life? Does it often seem like life is just not treating you fairly? I was at this place in my life for a long time. I didn’t understand why all these good things seemed to be “happening” to some people, while it never happened to me or other people that I knew.

Finally, I heard someone say one time that you get out of life what you put into it. I decided to test this what seemed to me like a hypothesis. What did I have to lose? Well, I’m happy to report that it worked. What I found is that it is not a hypothesis, but rather a principle. In other words it always works. It is something that has natural consequences.

Are you sitting around and waiting for things to happen the way you want them and wondering why they are not turning out the way you want? The biggest secret I can pass along is that these things will never HAPPEN to you – that is if you are sitting around waiting for them to happen. In other words, you have to make life “happen” or turn out the way you want. You see if you are sitting around your life will just sit around with you. If you get up and make some plans and get busy putting them into action your life will go with you. It will take you where you lead it.

Do you want more out of your marriage? Put something into it. It requires effort, selflessness, paying attention and action to make it what you want it to be, not waiting for your spouse to do all the work.

Do you want more out of your business? What are you putting into it? Are you waiting for that “big thing” to happen? Are you putting into it the actions that bring results? Make sure you are spending your time on the activities that do bring results, not just doing busy work.

Are you taking life too seriously? Do you want life to be more fun? What you are you doing to lighten things up? Do you need to look at things a little lighter? Put a little humor into life. Start looking for humor in situations. If you train your mind to look for it you will find it. Point out the funny things and laugh at them. It will go a long way. Make a decision to lighten up and enjoy life more. I’m not saying not to take life seriously. That’s exactly the opposite of the point of this post. Take seriously what you need to, but you will enjoy life a lot more and even get a lot more accomplished if you decide to laugh more and lighten up. Laughter makes your brain work better.

Do you want to get more out of parenthood? What are you putting into it? Are you taking the time to spend with your children? Are you spending quality time with them? Are you taking the time to teach them what is important and instilling the principles of life in them? We all make mistakes, but we can make a decision to move forward.

Is your spiritual life lacking? Are you waiting to see what God is going to do for you? What about asking what you can do for God. It’s amazing the difference you will see. It’s amazing the blessings God will send your way when you work for Him instead of waiting for Him to work for you. Once you put the effort in the returns will be more than you can count.

Do you wish you had better neighbors? Be a better neighbor.

Do you wish you had more friends or that your friends would treat you better? Be a friend. Be a better friend.

Do you want more love? Give more love.

Do you want more happiness? Work to make others happy.

Do you want better health or want your health to last a long time? Take care of your body. Eat healthy, exercise, get rid of the chemicals and toxins in your home and find some high quality nutritional supplements. Think positive. Studies show that changing the way you think and look at things affects your brain chemistry and will improve your health. Laugh more.

Enjoy all the rewards of giving your all. It’s the only way to live!

Why Relationships Fail and How to Turn Them Around

First of all, let me apologize for not writing more this week. It has been one challenging week, but God just keeps blessing us and we must move on.

Today's post will cover why marriages and all relationships fail and what can be done about it.

Many experts will say that miscommunication or lack of communication is the number one reason for problems in marriages and relationships and why they fail. While communication is very big, I beg to differ with the fact that it is the number one problem or reason. A closer look will show that it actually goes much deeper.

Let's reveal the real reasons relationships fail and why happiness so often seems to be so far away. Please do not make the mistake of just reading over these lightly. They are very deep and eye opening (if you are open) and have the potential to dramatically improve your relationships:



1. You think that the other person will make you happy. "If I only have this one person then I will be happy."

2. You are seeking what you can get out of the relationship and what it and the other person can do for you.

3. You seek to change the other person to suit your needs and make them who you want them to be.

4. You blame the other person for everything that is going wrong in the relationship and for making you unhappy.

5. You take your spouse for granted.
Do you notice a correlation between any of these??? Look closer.... It can be summed up by this:

Selfishness and lack of responsibility.

So now let us explore the problem with the statements above, but most importantly what can be done about them:

1. What's the problem with the first problem we noted above? If you are looking for your happiness in this person eventually they are going to disappoint you. Then you will be devastated and fall apart. You will also have a tendency to personalize EVERYTHING they do or say. Instead of thinking about how this person is going to or is making you happy, choose to have peace and happiness with in yourself no matter what they do or say or think - or what anyone else says or does or thinks. People will ALWAYS disappoint you no matter how hard they try - period.

2. As long as you are seeking what YOU can get out of the relationship and what it and the other person can do for YOU you will never know love or be satisfied in the relationship. Again, you will be disappointed. Love and happiness only comes when you put aside your own needs and focus on what you can do to please the other person - and DO it. It is only then that your own needs will get met. Love is a choice and requires action. Just give it a try. Your relationship may not change over night, but it will change.

3. Seeking to change the other person to suit your needs and make them who you want them to be might sound like a good idea, but there's only one problem - you can not change other people. The only thing and person you can change is yourself - your thoughts, feelings and actions. Take a close look at what your faults are - in particular, your faults in the relationship and work to change them. Be open to seeing your faults. If you're having trouble seeing them, just ask your spouse or the other person. Be humble. Say, "I know I haven't been the kind of spouse I could be in our relationship. I'm sorry. I want to work on it and get better. Could you please tell me what I can work on?" Be open and prepared to hear what they say. Also, work on thinking positive. Recognize when the first negative thought comes into your head and replace it with a positive thought.

4. As long as you blame the other person for everything that is going wrong in the relationship and for making you unhappy then you will be unhappy. My favorite quote is: "You can blame others for your unhappiness or you can be happy." As we have already stated, choose to be happy no matter what. Also, instead, take responsibility for everything that is wrong in the relationship, whether it is actually your fault or not, and make a decision to do something to change it. Make a decision to change everything you don't like by changing it yourself, not by trying to change the other person. Until you stop blaming others for anything, you will always, always be miserable. I know. I learned the hard way. Life is much better and easier when you take responsibility.

5. As long as you take your spouse for granted, you will never care enough to follow these principles. View your spouse as a blessing - a gift from God. Then you will begin to see them in a whole new light. You will see how truly blessed you are to have them and want to do things to please them. Both you and your spouse will enjoy this new view.

Enjoy the changes!!

Medical Proof that Cognitive Behaviorial Tharapy Changes Brain Chemistry

First of all let's address:

What is cognitive behavioral therapy and why does it work?

According to medterms.com cognitive therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy is defined in this way:

Cognitive therapy: A relatively short-term form of psychotherapy based on the concept that the way we think about things affects how we feel emotionally. Cognitive therapy focuses on present thinking, behavior, and communication rather than on past experiences and is oriented toward problem solving. Cognitive therapy has been applied to a broad range of problems including depression, anxiety, panic, fears, eating disorders, substance abuse, and personality problems.

Cognitive therapy is sometimes called cognitive behavior therapy because it aims to help people in the ways they think (the cognitive) and in the ways they act (the behavior). Cognitive therapy has, for instance, been used to help cocaine-dependent individuals become abstinent from cocaine and other substances. The underlying assumption is that learning processes play an important role in the development and continuation of cocaine abuse and dependence. These same learning processes can be used to help individuals reduce their drug use.

Personal and Medical Proof and How it Works

As someone who has gone through a cognitive behavioral course to learn to stop negative thoughts and to form healthy accurate thinking patterns and is now teaching it, I know first hand that it works. I have witnessed it in my own life and in the lives of others. Why does it also work for depression and complete addiction recovery? Because it actually addresses the root cause of depression and addictions - unresolved emotional pain - something that antidepressants can not do.

Knowing first hand that cognitive behavioral therapy works, it's great to see medical proof in an MRI scan that it does. We have the power to change our brain chemistry by addressing the cause of depression and stopping negative thinking. Realizing that you can stop negative thinking and learning how to is an absolutely wonderfully liberating thing. Change and happiness and inner peace can be achieved by recognizing what triggers negative thoughts and then stopping them.

See this article to learn more about how cognitive behavioral therapy alters the brain chemistry (and more).

See this website to learn more about a cognitive behavioral therapy course in the Nashville, TN area.

See this website to learn more about how to remove emotional pain.

How to "Turn a Deaf Ear"

What can we learn from frogs about happiness? Last week I heard the story of the frog race for the first time. It is a very worthy lesson about happiness that would benefit everyone if they really took to heart and life the lessons contained in it. I thought it was so beneficial I just had to share it. Here it is:

There once was a bunch of tiny frogs who arranged a climbing competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.

A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants. The race began. No one in the crowd really believed the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.

Heard throughout the race were statements such as, “Oh, way too difficult,” “They will never make it to the top,” “Not a chance they will succeed,” and “The tower is too high.”

The tiny frogs began collapsing, one by one—except for those who, in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher. The crowd continued to yell, “It is too difficult! No one will make it!”

More tiny frogs got tired and gave up. But ONE continued to climb higher and higher. This one refused to give up!

At the end of the race, all had given up climbing the tower except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!

All of the other tiny frogs wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it. They asked him how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal.

It turned out that the winning frog was DEAF!!!!

So what can we learn? The main point I would like to make is that we can all choose to be "deaf." That's right - we can choose to be "deaf" and "turn a deaf ear." The question is - how do we do it? We can choose ahead of time - beginning right now - that we will not listen to anyone - no one - who says negative things to us or utters discouraging words.

We can CHOOSE right NOW to:

• be happy and
• reach our goals no matter what anyone says.

When I learned this a while back it was one of the most liberating things, if not the most liberating things I ever discovered. Is this difficult? It can be, especially if you have been used to letting yourself be discouraged with everything every one says.

So how do you do it then?

CHOOSE to - right NOW. Remember that no one can rob you of your happiness or keep you from reaching your goals unless YOU give them permission. Life can only be grand if we CHOOSE to make it grand. I would also like to add that we can also CHOOSE not to let any outside circumstances get us down as well. CHOOSE today to be happy and to go for your dreams no matter what anyone says or no matter what happens. Is is possible? Just give it a try. It is a strong person who can turn a deaf ear. The rewards are innumerable!!

I would also like to add that not everyone is fortunate enough to know this lesson. To help them out, be a frog that says only encouraging positive words to others. The difference it can make can set the world on fire for good. Not only will the ones you encourage benefit, but the satisfaction it brings you will grow and warm your heart beyond measure.

Recommended reading:

The Choice

How "The Five Love Languages" Can Change Your Marriage

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman makes the New York Times best selling list for the 30th week. Let's take a look at why "The Five Love Languages" is so popular. Does this book deliver what it promises?

I would like to give my personal account of "The Five Love Languages". I was first introduced to this book about a year ago by a friend. She actually let me borrow her audio version of it and gave me a copy of the language profile questions for me and my husband to take. We answered the test questions to determine our love language and listened to the CD. I have to admit that getting past his southern drawl was a bit challenging (even though I am also from the south), but worth it. However, we didn't really put the effort into it that it called for. I was just very skeptical that each person can be boiled down into one main love language. I'll talk more about each language in just a minute.





Fortunately, I have recently been given the opportunity to give this material a second chance. I am going through "The Five Love Languages" on DVD (a recorded seminar) and the "The Five Love Languages" workbook with a group of Christians. I have to say it has made a huge impact on our marriage this time around.... Seeing the results has stamped out my skepticism.

According to Gary Chapman the filve love languages are:

• Words of affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Quality time
• Physical touch
• Receiving gifts
  

As Chapman goes into depth with each one of these we learn that what makes one person feel loved is not necessarily what makes another person feel loved. This information is so relevant in marriages. Most of the time our spouse "speaks" a different love language than we do. What happens is we speak the language to our spouse that is our main love language because that is what WE want and need in order to feel loved. Our spouse does the same for us with his/her love language. However, since we usually have a different language then often times we both go "unloved" even though we are trying. Knowledge of the love languages is key.

"The Five Love Languages" contains a test that both you and your spouse can take to determine your love language. After taking the test and reading the book, and learning exactly what each love language is you then can easily learn to speak your spouse's love language and vice versa. Then you will both feel loved. Practicing the advice and seeing the results has put aside all skepticism I once had about this book. If you follow Chapman's advice, this material has the potential to dramatically improve your marriage for life.


The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Five Love Languages, Member Book, UPDATED