Steps to Happiness – Part 4 - Who is Master?

Thank you for joying us on this journey toward happiness. This is article number four in a series of articles on Steps to Happiness. Sense it is important to follow these in order you will find it very helpful to first read the previous articles:

Are You a Puppet on Strings? - Taking Back Control of Your Life,
Steps to Happiness – Part 2
Steps to Happiness - Part 3 - Does this Stuff Really Work?

Let’s discuss some more ways to take back our puppet strings from our puppeteers.

We have already discussed the need to take responsibility and do away with blaming, the necessity for a real desire to change, and the commitment to do what it takes to change and achieve happiness. Then we discussed the difference between principles and advice.

The Secret to Happiness
So what other principles guide us to happiness? What do the happy people in this world have over the unhappy ones? Is it genetic? Were they just born with that disposition? Some probably were, but most have learned this secret – this time tested principle……. this secret that ANYONE can learn…..

Here it is…… Happiness is a choice.

So how do I choose Happiness?
“Well...if it is a choice,” you might ask, “then how do I choose it?” That’s what I would like to share with you because I was aimlessly floating around wondering the same thing for a long time. It’s like someone telling you to “get over” something without first listening to you and then showing you how to get over it.

Choosing happiness requires you to be MASTER over all your emotions and thoughts instead of you being SLAVE to them and being ruled and controlled by them. How we go about doing that is to first recognize and become aware of our thoughts and emotions. Bring them to consciousness. Your thoughts and emotions are usually all tucked away in your subconscious mind and control what you do and say without you even being aware of it. What we must do is bring them to consciousness.

Understanding the Thought and Emotion Sequence
In order to bring them to consciousness, we must understand the thoughts and emotions order or sequence. Thoughts come first (and are usually based on previous experiences) and then they feed our emotions and then we act or react. Most people believe that it is the other way around – that their feelings come first and that they have no control over them and their thoughts. So whenever their emotions arise they simply react without even thinking twice. That’s just the problem – they don’t think twice. They don’t even know that they did think and so they react according to their emotions. Understanding this is key!

An outstanding book that will help you to gain a deeper understanding of this and teach you more in depth how to gain control of your emotions is Emotions: Can You Trust Them? by Dr. James Dobson.

Once we have a knowledge of the thought/emotion order there is a trick that we can apply that all happy people have learned. We will discuss it next time….

But, for now, some good exercises are:

1. Take note of each time that you don’t like something (ANYTHING you don’t like). Every time you feel yourself getting angry, frustrated or upset, etc. over something, stop yourself. Write down the event and your thoughts and feelings about it, what you wanted to do (be honest) and what you did.

2. Then choose not to think about it until you have calmed down. Choose instead to get your mind involved in an enjoyable hobby or to think about good things. Make a list of good things or blessings and keep it with you just for cases like these (keep adding to it). The key is to stop the rumination or negative thinking. Remember what I call the law of compounding: one negative thought leads to another negative thought and then it explodes out of control. On the other hand, one positive thought leads to another positive thought, and then it explodes….

3. After you are in a good frame of mind (it could be days later), see if you can identify your negative thoughts and replace them with better positive thoughts. Don’t get frustrated if you are struggling at first. Be patient with yourself. Practice makes perfect. It will come if you don’t give up.

Remember this sequence: Perception (Was the event indeed how you actually saw it?)…Thoughts…Feelings….Actions...Consequences.

Share with us some examples of when you acted on your emotions and they got you into trouble.

Are You a Puppet on Strings? - Taking Back Control of Your Life

For the next few posts, I am going to post some life changing articles that I have written over the last several months that I thought would be very helpful to everyone. This one serves as the foundation of the others.

We have all enjoyed a good puppet show. A puppeteer pulls strings and makes the puppets hands and feet move and he speaks words that supposedly comes from the puppet? These little shows can be quiet entertaining.

Are You a Puppet on Strings?

So how is your puppet show? How many puppet strings have you given out? Is it a harmless entertaining show? Let’s explore. (Mine was not so entertaining – at least not in a good way.)

Imagine yourself as a puppet. Now think of all the people, things, and situations that make you unhappy. These are your puppeteers. How dare they do that to you! Right?

Now imagine yourself (as a puppet) giving a string (with a little round pull on the end) to each person, thing or situation that is causing you unhappiness. That is exactly what you have done - subconsciously handed over your happiness. Each time you think of that person, thing or situation in a negative way and start harboring resentment or thinking “poor pitiful me – look what they have done to me” or “look at what has happened to me” you are handing them or it a puppet string and telling them to pull the string tighter and tighter. So you can imagine if you have given a string to your financial situation, your enemy, your mother, your ex, your in-laws, your boss, your broken car, your job, etc, etc….. Each time you think of them or it your string gets tighter and tighter.

How Many Directions Can You Be Pulled?

How many strings have you handed out? How many directions are you being pulled? Are you being flipped upside down, to one side, then the other, one hand pulled across your body stretched as far as it can go without ripping from your torso, the other hand pulled the other direction across your body, one foot up in the air over your head, the other pulled behind you, your head pulled to one side then spun around and around? How many more strings can you really hand out? How many more directions can you be pulled and spun?

How it Begins and Progresses…

Think of it this way. With the very first negative thought that enters your mind you hand over the string to someone or thing or situation. With each and every negative thought that compounds on the previous negative thought you allow your string to be pulled tighter and tighter. How many directions are you being pulled, flipped and spun?

This is going to hurt…. I know, I have been there….. Many will not accept its truth because it is easier not to do so…. But, happiness can not be achieved without its knowledge….. Here it is: Many times the people to whom you hand the string do not even know that you have handed them the string. They are going about living their lives and have no idea they are pulling your string. The real answer is they are not pulling your string. They are simply living and you have chosen to wrap a string around them and be jerked around. Ouch… I know that may have hurt, but happiness can not manifest itself in your heart if you do not face this fact. Whether or not someone knows they are pulling your string is irrelevant. The good news is you can still take back your string.

Stinkin’ Thinkin’?

Another way to word all of this is blaming. I have a favorite quote. It goes like this: “You can blame people or things or situations for your unhappiness or you can be happy.” Read that one more time. What is it saying? The key word here is blaming. As long as you are engaged in the thinking error of blaming you will never be happy. That is worth repeating…. As long as you are engaged in the thinking error of blaming you will never be happy. Right now you are probably saying, “Who are you to tell me that I am not thinking accurately?” The answer is I was the queen of thinking errors – most of all of the fifteen most common thinking errors, but especially blaming. Learning to recognize the errors and reprogram my mind with accurate healthy thinking was one of the single best things I have ever done.

So What Do I Do Now?

Throughout life I have heard many people say, “Happiness comes from within.” I thought to my-self, “That sounds great.” But, for a long time no one ever explained to me what that meant exactly or how to get that happiness within. I never “got it” for a long time. Now I would like to spare you the heartache I went through until I figured out what happiness meant and how to get it. We will discuss how to remove the strings, think positive, achieve happiness, and more in the next several posts.

Medical Proof that Cognitive Behaviorial Tharapy Changes Brain Chemistry

First of all let's address:

What is cognitive behavioral therapy and why does it work?

According to medterms.com cognitive therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy is defined in this way:

Cognitive therapy: A relatively short-term form of psychotherapy based on the concept that the way we think about things affects how we feel emotionally. Cognitive therapy focuses on present thinking, behavior, and communication rather than on past experiences and is oriented toward problem solving. Cognitive therapy has been applied to a broad range of problems including depression, anxiety, panic, fears, eating disorders, substance abuse, and personality problems.

Cognitive therapy is sometimes called cognitive behavior therapy because it aims to help people in the ways they think (the cognitive) and in the ways they act (the behavior). Cognitive therapy has, for instance, been used to help cocaine-dependent individuals become abstinent from cocaine and other substances. The underlying assumption is that learning processes play an important role in the development and continuation of cocaine abuse and dependence. These same learning processes can be used to help individuals reduce their drug use.

Personal and Medical Proof and How it Works

As someone who has gone through a cognitive behavioral course to learn to stop negative thoughts and to form healthy accurate thinking patterns and is now teaching it, I know first hand that it works. I have witnessed it in my own life and in the lives of others. Why does it also work for depression and complete addiction recovery? Because it actually addresses the root cause of depression and addictions - unresolved emotional pain - something that antidepressants can not do.

Knowing first hand that cognitive behavioral therapy works, it's great to see medical proof in an MRI scan that it does. We have the power to change our brain chemistry by addressing the cause of depression and stopping negative thinking. Realizing that you can stop negative thinking and learning how to is an absolutely wonderfully liberating thing. Change and happiness and inner peace can be achieved by recognizing what triggers negative thoughts and then stopping them.

See this article to learn more about how cognitive behavioral therapy alters the brain chemistry (and more).

See this website to learn more about a cognitive behavioral therapy course in the Nashville, TN area.

See this website to learn more about how to remove emotional pain.